Many years ago, when I first heard of tonglen, I thought it would take a brave person to offer it, because it is a giving, generous practice. I mean, you’re willing to breathe in pain and suffering of the worst sort, the creepiest, most frightening thoughts – breathe them in – and, what? breathe them out fresh and new? I tried it tentatively, and even reached a place where I was able to coach myself: “It’s only breath, it can’t hurt you.”
But last week, standing at a wall of windows, watching a full moon rise and light a huge swath of the Bay, we practised tonglen. It wasn’t a planned activity in our “Building a Compassionate Practice” gathering, but we had decided to meet even without Gillian, and I was wondering what was on everyone’s minds. Zoe talked about a book by Pema Chodron that she had happened upon in the library, and suddenly, tonglen seemed appropriate. Many of us were hurting from what seemed to be a run on death and misfortune at that time, and people wanted to do something to help.
So there we stood, in front of the big windows with the lights turned off, practising tonglen over the moonlit sea.
It’s humbling, feeling so small and insignificant in the face of so much suffering and pain, blowing a little air out into the atmosphere. Over time, each inhale was accompanied by another movie of gruesome proportions, each exhale, pure heart in the here and now. With each exhale, I wiped the story from the screen, to concentrate on purity of love. Ah, the ‘perceived’ is breathed in, the ‘now’ is breathed out, as a gift from inside, God, it is called, in some circles.
It was holy.
Yesterday, driving alone, I let my mind drift to ‘why’s’ – I asked myself: “why am I so fearful of my children’s pain?” I allowed myself to feel Taran’s pain and fear during a time that he was in trouble with a mean policeman. How difficult to send purity of spirit – God – into that scene. So this is tonglen, I thought. As I imagined Taran’s suffering, so I suffered; I could revive suffering, just to think about it. Now breathe love…….It didn’t happen right away. I practised it over and over, continuing to focus on the clear eyed exhale. I could see fear melt, as, I knew, Taran had seen it melt, as it slowly dawned on him: “ I am loved!”
We live in the womb of the benevolence of the universe. There are so many people for whom daily joys do not exist.
Not breathing out an outcome,
Not breathing out an expectation, a wish, desire, a plea
Is only difficult insofar as it takes discipline to keep the exhale clean and clear
